Priceless Tips for the
Hawaii-bound Traveler

Doing the Hawaii thing? Here are some invaluable free tips for you before you go. It’s a very good idea to read this before you plan your trip, and hey- bring a copy along to read on the 10 hour plane ride, too.

When to go:

Well, you’ve probably already made your plans for when you could go, but my personal opinion is that April and October are the best times to go, because both are off-peak tourist-wise, and usually have perfect weather day & night. Not miserably hot during the day, and cooler at night for a great sleep.

Tourist Season:

Families are there mostly during June-August. Older couples, wealthier, and more experienced travelers are usually there in the fall & winter months. “Snowbirds” from Canada, Britain, and the US are there during the winter months as well.

Duration of Stay:

If you can’t stay at least a painful minimum of 1 week, don’t go. You will regret it and leave feeling like you missed out, because you will have. Stay for at least 10-14 days if you are able. It takes a few days to unwind, adjust, and get into that “island groove” for most people, and besides, there is so very much to do, see, and “not do” that you simply will need more time. You also shouldn’t come back stressed-out from hurrying through a vacation in the first place, right?

Which islands? (You mean you thought it was just one???)

There are 132 islands in the Hawai’ian chain. Only 8 are the main ones; only 7 could you visit (Ni’ihau is privately owned and completely off-limits); and at least 3 are must-see. Ideally you can do 3 islands comfortably in 2 weeks. Yes, you can do it in less, but then you will not be on the right wavelength to fully enjoy & relish the island vibe, thereby missing the real point of traveling there.

I recommend Kauai, O’ahu, and Maui; the Big Island (Hawaii), Molokai, and Lanai are also nice if you have the time, money, and desire. Each island has a slightly different version of paradise to share with you, and all warrant a visit. However, reality usually dictates a “take what you can get” scenario, and so I recommend those 3 as priority.

O’ahu:

Although there’s a 99% chance your hotel is in Waikiki (wai-kee-KEE), try to stay out of Waikiki as much as possible. It is Waikiki, and those tourists who are too stupid to set foot outside of it, that create incorrect perceptions about O’ahu, like “O’ahu is New York on a beach.” Absolutely wrong. With 170 hotels, I’m not saying Waikiki is paradise- even though it is paradise compared to ANYWHERE in New Jersey. The point is, O’ahu has everything, you just have to know where, when, and how to enjoy it. O’ahu is the only island with any signs of nightlife, so if that’s what you want, it’s the only place. Ocean Club, Pipelines, Brew Moon, Kapono’s, and Wave Waikiki are some hot spots for locals. Nothing in Waikiki will have the same vibe. It also has 52 beaches, many completely empty, if you just know where to go.

The Pearl Harbor Tour from Discovering Hidden Hawaii Tours (808.737.3700) is unsurpassed. They and Roberts Tours (huge buses, though) do the best job of any company. DHHT takes out smaller groups; always the better choice. Take the tour; do not go on your own. Night & day difference. Call and/or leave a friendly message to reconfirm the day before your tour.

I also recommend them for other circle-island & historical type tours of Oahu. Ask for Leo and tell them his favorite pain-in-the-butt former best-ever tour guide Brian sent you. Note: they usually do a very good tour, but they WILL be late in picking you up no matter what they tell you. Be on time, but do not expect them (or most companies) to be exactly on time; it doesn't happen. If they are less than 15 minutes late, I wouldn’t worry. Take the morning tours if possible.

Do not try to sit on the Halona Blowhole, a lava tube near Hanauma Bay that erupts with a jet of water when waves are big. That is one enema you do not want to experience. (Actually, it has killed people who foolishly tried it)

On Oahu, the easiest luau to get to is on Monday nights at the Royal Hawaiian Hotel in Waikiki. However, there is also Germaine’s luau most nights, though that is quite a farther trip.

Try poi. You won’t like it. Try it anyway. Try li-hing mui, also called “crack seed.” No, it’s not a drug. You might love or hate it. It’s an acquired taste either way.

You might also want to try Spam musubi (mu-su-BEE) at any 7-11 store. Hawaii consumes more Spam than all other 49 states combined. It is also the only state where Bud Light outsells regular Bud. And both of those beers are a waste to drink, anyway. Try Gordon Biersch’s microbrewery bar at Aloha Tower, or Sam Choy’s original brews at Sam Choy’s on Oahu or Maui.

Try pork lau-lau from a roadside vendor on the windward side. You might like it. I love them. I also really miss having a typical Hawaiian “plate-lunch” such as at “You Hungry?” near the Hawaii Convention Center, or the Rainbow or Like-Like (Lee-kay-Lee-kay) Drive Ins on Kapahulu near Waikiki. Definitely have “one beeg plate lunch” at least twice. Yummy Korean barbeque is great, too. My God am I getting hungry writing this!

Diamond Head is a dormant volcanic crater near Waikiki, and is the most-photographed site in Hawaii; some argue the whole world. It’s Hawaiian name is Le’ahi, which means “Fire Top.” I honestly think it’s a bit overrated & tiring. It is a 2-3 hour filler for an empty slot if you have one, and if you do, you might just wanna crash on the beach. Honestly I feel Diamond Head is something you do just to say “been there, done that.” However, unless you go higher into the Ko’olau Mountains, or in a helicopter, you won’t get such a wide view of the island otherwise. If you go, bring a few dollars, a flashlight, bottle of water, camera & batteries, and wear a hat & sunscreen. Trust me & you’ll see why. Don’t trust me & you’ll see why, too.

Hanauma Bay is great for snorkeling, and tons of companies offer packages for r/t trans & gear. (PS- this is the bay where Elvis lived in the movie “Blue Hawaii.” )Be sure to go on the earliest tours, as the water is clearest then, and it clouds up later in the afternoon. NOTE: Closed on Tuesday each week. Just go with one of the tour packages for around $25 each. Please be extremely eco-sensitive in Hawaii; Do not feed the fish at Hanauma; it’s illegal & detrimental. Do not touch or stand or walk on the coral; same reason. Beware of low-budget illegal taxi-limo drivers with gear in the trunk trying to get your business. They are the worst. If you can’t do Hanauma, or prefer something more off the beaten path, try Shark’s Cove. Don’t let the name fool you; in some ways it is better than Hanauma, though it is far away, not a tour stop, and 50 times smaller. However, I used to spend many an afternoon there, and I loved the place. But stay out of the underwater lava tubes unless you have a death wish.

Try dinner at Sam Choy’s on Kapahulu Ave. near Waikiki. Great Asian-Pacific fare of all kinds. Definitely make reservations first. See Sam Choy on the cooking network, too.

The Koko Marina on the way to Hanauma Bay is the watersports mecca of Oahu. Everything is there. Buses 22 & 58 go there from Waikiki. If you take the bus there, wait on the ocean side (makai) of Kuhio Ave. in Waikiki. No buses on Kalakaua Ave , and the mountain side (mauka) of Kuhio Ave. takes you in the wrong direction. However, parasailing, outrigger canoe rides, surfing lessons, and sail boats are also available right on Waikiki Beach near the pink hotel, The Royal Hawaiian.

Polynesian Cultural Center-  (www.polynesianculturalcenter.com) farthest point from Waikiki; kind of touristy, but still excellent. Think of it as a Polynesian Epcot Center. Yes, of course it’s a little bit tacky; however, it is still the most-visited attraction in the state for a good reason. Requires 3/4 of your entire day, and is tiring, but worthwhile. Many of the actual performers also earn college tuition at nearby Brigham Young University by devoting time to the Center. The Center does not evangelize in any way, but only offers this arrangement to its Polynesian students to earn their education. Many of these performers are also legitimate & authentic tribes people from their villages in the Pacific.

Cool points you can see around the island:  The Nu'uanu-Pali Lookout; a breathtakingly beautiful & historically-significant cliff where King Kamehameha defeated Oahu. the Aloha Stadium Flea Market (open Wed, Sat, Sun only; across street from Pearl Harbor; DHHT can arrange for you to do both, most likely having you return to hotel by $3 shuttle bus. Dole Pineapple plantations (not so much the tacky, overpriced store, but the pineapple fields), Hale'iwa (ha-lay-EE-va) town (stop at Aoki’s for a Hawaiian “shave ice”), Mokulei'ia Beach (my favorite; big, empty, escapist type beach), Waimanalo Beach (near horseback riding-  that area is the best view of most scenery on island), Manoa Falls (moderate 2 hour hike to pretty waterfall- not amazing but nice), La'ie Point (near PCC- pretty view), and Waimea Bay. Very few visitors know it, but here is also a Hawaiian “heiau” (temple) ruins atop the hill at Waimea, where some British sailors were once sacrificed to Ku, the war god. definitely worth seeing. Seriously, though, be very respectful there. If you take a DHHT circle island tour, you will see many of these points. Clarify first so you don't overlap too much.

If you are driving around O'ahu on your own, and you want to have a truly authentic homemade Hawaiian-style meal, there's simply no better way than to go see Auntie Maxine at ONO LOA near Kaneohe. Lots of choices, all great; and the best poi you can possibly find, for those who want to try it as it's supposed to be. She is located at the old Waiahole Poi Factory, and her hours are 10:30am-2pm every day but Thurs & Fri., but could change, so call ahead to be sure. Tel: 808.239.5117 / 808.239.2863 Only telephone if trying to contact her. Web: www.onoloafoods.com It is worth it to make it here for lunch on your way around O'ahu. Then stop down the road a half mile at my friend Richard Davis' roadside fruit & coconut stand. Super-nice, totally local-style guy. Give him a big Aloha! from Hawaiian Brian.

And an awesome massage for a good rate? Look no further than Annie Sims in Honolulu. Incredibly refreshing massage for a good rate. Best bet by far is the 3 hour deal.
Humble establishment but fantastic skill.
Call her for an appointment: 808.944.4836 / 808.371.9041 www.asims.biz

Looking for beautiful handmade EuroPacific ladies' jewelry on O'ahu? Go see Margaret Cintra Rahr of Rahr Bazaar. 808.395.1496 www.rahrbazaar.com

Want to paddle a REAL Hawaiian Outrigger canoe with a real Hawaiian canoe team? Check out the Kamehameha Canoe Club on the Ala Wai Canal next to Waikiki. Call Barb Vasold to arrange it at: 808.737.4490 barbhawaii@aol.com (This is the canoe team I paddled with that gave me my nickname "Hawaiian Brian.")

Kauai:

The oldest & greenest of the Hawai’ian islands, and overall, my favorite. A true gem of nature. Has breathtaking jungles, soaring sheer cliffs, a mini canyon, the world’s highest swamp, the world’s heaviest rainfall, gorgeous beaches, and a mystical dormant volcano that sleeps in the clouds. Only about 60,000 living there, as opposed to 800,000 on O’ahu. It is definitely easier here to chill out, because there is less to escape. However, make sure you WANT to chill out before you get here. Snorkeling, Waimea Canyon, Hanakapi'ai Falls hike (not easy, but worth it), Na Pali Coast via zodiac boat, and for sure the Will Squyres Helicopter Tour (http://www.helicopters-hawaii.com/) of the island-  take longer tour, earliest available. Goes inside huge lush green volcano Mt. Wai'ale'ale (Why-AH-lay-AH-lay). So beautiful I cried when I went. If you do a helitour anywhere, do it there. About $160/person. Kauai-bound travels be sure to contact Lilikoi at: http://www.trykauai.com/
 

Maui:

Hale'akala Mountain Sunrise (downhill)  Bike Ride can be good. The Road to Hana-  the journey & it's scenery are the attraction, not Hana itself. Need a full day to savor; leave from airport area at sunrise to reach Hana before dark, or vice-versa. Rental car & map ideal. Allow time to enjoy various sites along way; don't let it be one long drive. If time is limited, avoid Western side of Maui; too far, rugged, dangerous, barren, & time-consuming.

For the less inhibited free spirits out there, if you want to go nude on the beach, go to Makena Beach in south part of island; then climb over lava rock paths on the right to Little Makena Beach. It is not legal, but it is also not really enforced. Of course, I’m only relaying this as hearsay, and have never actually been there myself, of course. Oh yeah- remember to put sunscreen behind your knees and on your bleach-white bottom! I learned that the hard way. I mean, I heard about that from someone else, who is not me.

Molokini island is a tiny crescent-shaped reef island off south coast of Maui, ideal for snorkeling & scuba diving. Tours available.

And the Big Island (Hawaii):

Forget going with the crowds to the Thurston Lava Tubes. Instead, get off the beaten path & hotfoot it down to John Rager's privately-owned, amazing, and incredibly more personalized Lava Tubes! Call him to set a private tour (about $35 pp) 808.960.5664 / 808.968.8606 volcanocaveadventures@juno.com. Watch you don't bump your head on the stalactites like I did, and come prepared with mud in mind, as it can be muddy in some spots. It is a once-in-a-lifetime thing to definitely check out if you are even the least bit intrigued by nature.

In Hilo, definitely have at least 1 or 2 meals at Ken's House of Pancakes. Don't let the name fool you; it is a local favorite spot for all kinds of great Hawaiian & other food. Always open; near airport. 1730 Kamehameha Ave, Hilo, HI 96720 - 808.935.8711

Especially in the higher elevations, TRUST ME, the Big Island can get chilly (40's) from late afternoon to morning. Bring Fall-weather clothes or regret it later. Remember you can ski on this island, not just lay on the beach...

For exclusive rentals on the Big Island, contact Aurelia Guiterrez at: 808.967.7178 / 800.709.0907 www.hawaiivolcanovacations.com.

General Helpful Tips to the Hawaii-bound Traveler:

Empty yourself of expectations & demands that things be what you envision. Open yourself to what’s there for you, and savor the undercurrent of island laid-backness & aloha. Listen & watch a lot. Be a sponge.

The Hawaiians are not "natives." They'll resent being called that. Most are "mix plate" or, lots of ethnicities mixed. Call them "locals" They are kindest to people who are respectful, kind, calm, and considerate. (In other words, drop the whole Jersey thing completely.)

Use sunscreen. Use at least 30 SPF or higher. Avoid the beach or full sun exposure between 11am and 1pm, the most intense times of the day. Gradually phase-in your tan, or you will seriously regret it. If you burn, apply white vinegar with a towel to alleviate pain, take a long, cold bath, and apply liberal amounts of KUKUI NUT OIL, available at Long’s Drugs in Hawaii, or at www.oilsofaloha.com. It works better than anything else, period.

Go to the Hale Noa Kava Bar on Kapahulu Ave. near Waikiki and enjoy the healthy buzz of drinking a bowl or 2 of fresh-squeezed authentic kava (or ‘awa). It is a blissful high from what tastes like a bowl of woody mud; but you can get used to it, and it’s definitely a real Hawaiian thing, and very healthy, too.

You can save a lot of money by booking hotels closer to the Ala Wai Canal than to Waikiki Beach. No hotels in Waikiki are really that far from the beach. Ohana Hotels are very cheap, Outriggers are reasonable, Waikiki Sand Villa, Aloha Surf, Banyan, and others are more affordable than many others. Top of the line on Oahu is the Ihilani Resort (very far from everything on Oahu), Kahala Mandarin (10 min’s outside Waikiki), and within Waikiki, the Halekulani, Royal Hawaiian, Moana Surfrider, and Outrigger Reef.

For tours, Waikiki hotels closer to the Ala Moana / shopping center side of Waikiki get picked up & dropped off first, while hotels on the Kapahulu / zoo side of Waikiki are last. Know that beforehand. Some companies will not pick up guests at the Ihilani, so you will need a rental car for that hotel & also the Turtle Bay Resort, as they are extremelty far from Waikiki.

Respect the ocean. It is far more complex than people think. If a riptide catches you, DO NOT swim against it. Swim with it, and gradually toward land. Fighting it could cost you your life. Usually any dangerous areas are well marked, so don’t worry too much.

If you scuba dive, never ascend faster than your air bubbles. The best thing to remember when trying out scuba diving is to be completely & absolutely relaxed & calm. An instructor must accompany any non-certified diver. I think scuba diving is by far the most exhilarating water sport. However, it is also the one most demanding of respect for the ocean.

Avoid the Royal Hawaiian Shopping Center in Waikiki, unless you like to pay a fortune for stuff you don’t need.

Especially in Waikiki, you’ll see ABC stores EVERYWHERE. It means “All Blocks Covered.” Not really, but it might as well mean that.

Please tip your tour guide generously if you were treated well. I was once one of them, and I know how it is to depend on that to survive there. Now that I’m not one, I can say it freely: please tip them well if you were treated well. It makes a big difference.

Sandy Beach on Oahu is a great beach to meet locals and watch body boarders. However, it is a terrible beach to swim at, because it has notoriously dangerous undertows & currents, and is next to the sewage treatment plant.

Those guys? They are not Chinese. They are Japanese. There’s a big difference.

Hawaii has perfectly sunny weather almost every day of the year. Therefore, logically, most of their energy is from……you guessed it……Venezuelan oil and trash incinerators.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. You’ll soon notice that “K” seems to make up for the missing 14. The letter “W” is pronounced like a “V,” and in most cases, every single letter in a word is pronounced; they do not merge to form a new sound. Whenever you see an apostrophe between letters, it means to abruptly separate those two letters’ sounds when pronouncing the word. Therefore, even though virtually nobody pronounces it correctly, even the Hawai’ians themselves, the correct pronunciation for Hawaii is:

(ha-VAI-ee). Most say (ha-WUH-ee) or the common (ha-WHY-ee), but they are wrong. There was no written language until the Christian missionaries created it based on the sounds of the words.

No, the Japanese do not own everything in Hawaii. But in Waikiki, it just looks like they do. In fact the British, Canadian, American, and Chinese all own more, although the Japanese do own much of the most prominent real estate. Hey, you can’t blame them. And without the Japanese tourists coming in each day, Hawaii would just collapse. The Japanese spend almost triple what Americans spend in Hawaii.

Avoid Western O’ahu (Waianae, Ewa & Makaha) unless you go with a tour. They do not like white people very much, and if you get into trouble, it wouldn’t be a big surprise. The only real attractions near there are dolphin / whale-watching tours, and Hawaiian Waters Adventure Park. The dolphins are great. The water park is so/so.

Carry a small or disposable camera wherever you go; you never know when you’ll wish you had it, and too many pictures is a far less disappointment than missed photo op’s. When snorkeling or diving, have a disposable underwater camera handy, but only take extremely close-up shots of sea life at shallow depths. Anything too far or too deep is a guaranteed waste of film.

Hawaii is great, but be alert & think carefully, or your belongings may be stolen. (The campaign to eliminate marijuana from Hawaii has backfired & turned a lot of mellow surfers into crack-head thieves.) You won’t be mugged (unless you go to Waianae or Makaha at night), but if you neglect, or carelessly reveal the location of your valuables (such as openly letting people see you putting your valuables in your rental car trunk, then walking a half-mile away to the beach) your stuff could be gone when you return. You don’t want to return to your car to find the parking lot covered in “Hawaiian diamonds.” (broken auto glass) So travel light, compact, and prepared, and alert. If you want absolute peace of mind, don’t bring anything but a fanny pack, and wear it. Disposable cameras are a good compromise.

Area codes: The entire state’s area code is 808. You do not need to dial the area code if you are calling to the same island you are on. However, if you are not on the island you are calling, you then need to dial 808 first. “Information” is not 411, as on “da Mainland.” It is 1411 in Hawaii. 911 is the same.

Although there are not many species of animals you will see, if you encounter any wildlife, do not touch, go near, or harass the animals. It is illegal to swim with the dolphins, destroy coral (touching it is enough) or touch sea turtles (they can bite your hand off, and scraping the algae off their shells can give them fatal infections). There are no snakes in Hawaii, at least as long as they can prevent the brown tree snake invasion from Guam. You may, however, see mongoose running across the roads in dry areas. They were brought in many years ago to control rats. Rats are nocturnal. Mongoose are diurnal. It didn’t work.

If you hear a loud chirping-kissing sound at night, it is either the couple next door, or a harmless & very cute, rubbery little lizard called a gecko. The Geico one looks nothing like a real one, which will be any shades of brown, gray, yellowish, or bluish, and looks for bugs & lovers each night. I adore them; they are the sound of paradise at night.

Bring serious mosquito repellant if you venture out of the big city, as Hawaii’s mosquitos are ferocious, totally unafraid, tiny, and you can’t feel them ‘til you’re bitten. Since you have not built up an immunity to this species, you are a potential smorgasbord. They are very fond of biting ankles & knuckles, for some reason, so spray thoroughly. Would you believe that there were never mosquitos in Hawaii until the Mexicans brought horses and the English brought cattle? Thanks a lot, muchachos & chaps.

Here are some useful Hawaiian terms:

1.   Ha'ole   (HOW-lee)  a Caucasian. There's nowhere to hide, so don't try. Just take it very easy on the suntanning. Its correct pronunciation, absolutely never used, is actually (ha-OH-lay) which means “lacking breath of life” because the Hawaiians thought the pale British on Captain Cook’s ships were essentially zombies, the walking dead, because they were so pale compared to the Polynesians. Another simultaneous explanation is that since the Hawaiians greeted each other by embracing and breathing upon & inhaling each others’ scent, (called “Ha;” ) and since the British did not do this, they were therefore “without (‘ole) the greeting of breaths.” Eventually these became associated with Caucasians as a race. Some Hawaiians like to use colorful adjectives before the word “ha’oles” when referring to them. Show them a better side than that.

5.  Mahalo  (ma-HAH-lo)  Thanks. “Mahalo nui,” or, “Mahalo nui loa” means “thanks very much.”

6. Aloha means "hello,” "goodbye," and “love;” but never simultaneously.

Oh, and only tour guides ever say that corny “aLOOOOOOOOOOOOOha” thing.

The correct way is more like “AHHHloha.”

7. Okole- (o-KO-lay) ask your guide. You were very aware of it during your long flight.

8.  Malihini  (mah-lee-HEE-nee)  tourist / visitor. That's you again. They'll spot you 6 miles away. You can't blend in. Don't     even try to. You look, act, walk, talk, and think differently; you just don’t realize it. Be yourself.

9.  Paniolo- (pa-nee-OH-lo) Hawaiian cowboy. Great word to use at the Ranch.

10. Wahine (wa-HEE-nay) woman / girl / female

11. Kane (KAH-nay) man / guy / male

12. Mahu (ma-HOO) ask your guide

12. Ahuiho  (ah-hooey-HO)  Goodbye (advanced level vocabulary to impress your guide)

13. Ku'uipo  (koo-oo-EE-po) sweetheart

14. Hele on (hell-ay) to go to;    "hele on to da beach"

15. Mai'ka'i  (MY-ka-ee) fantastic

16. Puheo (poo HEE o) ask your guide again

Now Hawaiian pidgin (Creole) is a whole 'nother story. You are gonna have a hard time understanding it at first.
Listen to Room Service for a Sample of Pidgin! (source: Rap Reiplinger)

1. Howzit?   How are you ?

2. da kine (da kine)  universal pronoun that means "whatever thing or person or place it is we are talking about; that thing." 

Example: Ey, braddah, I like give you one beeg tip, but I no mo' da kine, dass why hard.

(Translation: Excuse me, sir; I'd love to give a generous tip, but I'm afraid I've forgotten my wallet. Could you please forgive me; I'd be ever so grateful....)  Ha Ha Ha

3. Ey Cuz / Ey Brah / Eh Seestah-  friendly terms cousin, brother, sister; used very loosely as a friendly thing. But "ey cuz"     usually preceeds asking for something from you, I noticed. Like, "ey cuz, you can give me one lift to da kine or what? Can?"

4. Wen’- This preceeds past-tense verbs such as if you were saying

    “I went and bought it.” (I wen’ buy dat new surfboard yestaday, brah.)

5. Pake- (PAH-kay) Chinese person. Honestly it also means “cheap or stingy.”

    But hey, I’m just the messenger.

6. Japanee- Japanese person. Lots of them in “Waiks.” (WIKES- means Waikiki)

7. Portagee- Portugese person. In Hawaii, “da Portagee” gets the brunt of the stupidity jokes just like the Polish do on the     Mainland. Again, just telling you the facts here.

8.  They say "one" like we say "a" or "the" 

     (I went to one party wit one good-looking wahine)

9.  They say “get” like we say “there are” or “has”-

     (Waikiki get plenty tourists this week)

     (Get one new shopping center open next week in Kahuku)

10. They say "like" instead of want (I like get me one new surf board)

11. They say “fo’” (for) like we say “to” as in: (I study Japanese cooking so I can learn how fo’ make sushi.)

12. They use (‘em) in the plural sense when referring to a singular thing.

     (I wen’ ask him fo’ give me one can beer, but he nevah like give ‘em to me)

13. Da Bugga - “that bugger”

     (I wen’ just drop my bait an’ da bugger wen’ snap ‘em right off da hook!)

14. Ho, Brah!- means like “Oh my God.” (Ho, Brah, who wen’ cut yo’ hair?!)

Got the idea yet? No? Oh well. If you attempt to appear to really know how to speak pidgin, you will look like the biggest idiot in the world to them, and might even insult them in the process; or at least you will give them something to laugh about. In fact, if you showed this to your guide, they’d get a big laugh out of it, but they’ll tell you everything is true, too.

Tips for the long flight:

1. Bathe thoroughly before your flight, wear deodorant, and pray everyone else thinks like you do.

2. Fly Continental nonstop daily from Newark Liberty.

3. Buy tickets at Expedia.com. So far I’ve not found cheaper.

4. Have one of those neck pillows that goes around your neck, not behind your head. They are so much more comfortable than the airline’s ones.

5. Take off your shoes for the duration of the flight. Get up occasionally to fully stretch yourself out & keep the blood flowing.

6. Bring ear plugs. There will be a screaming kid behind you if you don’t. For 10 hours. I promise. And bring a couple Q-tips. Don’t your ears ever itch when you use ear plugs or headphones for a long time? Well, mine do.

7. Bring a sleeping mask like Felix Unger wore on The Odd Couple. Good for snoozing in the light.

8.  Bring a really interesting book with over 200 pages. Crossword puzzles or such are good, too.

9.  Bring an I-Pod or Walkman & at least 5 really good pre-mixed CDs. After all, you might need an easy escape from a  blabber mouth next to you.

10. Bring a bottled water & some fruit. The airline’s stuff is just never good enough unless you’re flying first class.

11. Got a laptop? Got some clerical or organizational stuff to catch up on? Bingo.

12. Finally, don’t watch the TV screen with the picture of the plane’s route over the country & the Pacific. It will slow  the journey by at least 78%, and is agonizing to watch. But take comfort in knowing that once you land, you will be  very, very glad you endured the flight. After all, nothing worth doing is easy.

So enjoy your trip, and Aloha Nui Loa! Let me know if this was helpful to you, and how you enjoyed your trip. If you want, I can put you in touch with a few really cool friends of mine there before you leave, too.

Aloha,

Hawaiian Brian

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